An inclusive guide to sex toys by Sexpert Debbie
Let’s focus on play and not penetration! I think we can all agree that the reason most of us are having sex should be for fun, for pleasure. Like a way that adults play using their bodies. Yet, when we hear the word sex, our society immediately jumps to heteronormative penis in vagina intercourse. Because, that is what we are taught is sex from a young age. How boring!! If we factor in all sexual contact as sex, it both increases our opportunities for pleasure and most importantly - it’s more inclusive! Everyone has sex in different ways, all our bodies are different, what feels good to one may not feel good to another. So why narrow the definition to only include when a penis is inside a vagina.
There are many ways to explore sex and play and have fun. One easy way is to use toys. We already have that association that toys = fun. There are so many toys that can tease and excite the body in different ways. Gone are the days were any sexual pleasure must be from a plastic penis shape because lo and behold someone enjoy something other than a man’s member.Almost 80% of those with a vulva need some sort of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Those with penises can reach intense orgasms from prostrate stimulation. Have you ever cum from someone playing with your nipples? Or playing with your balls? Why not explore those sensations with toys, laughing and playing together - discovering a different side to sex from what heterosexual social norms have forced upon us.
Top sex toys that take the focus away from penetration:
Great for LGBTQ+ but also something straight people could learn a thing or two from!
Massage wands
Try over clothes to start with - if using a bigger wand to get used to the sensation. Straight on your clit and you might feel you’re going to vibrate that clit straight off! Different size wands are great for all kinds of stimulation from intense clitoral orgasms, to nipple stimulation and body massage.
Butt plugs
Vibrating, silicone, bejewelled there’s a button plug for you. Anal play can bring both a different and a fantastically pleasurable experience for everyone. A plug put in whilst you play can be an amazing sensation, or with light pressure applied on it or feel it vibrating. Also remember that anal play for some is a hard no for people so communicate clearly.
while these are still relatively new to the sex toy shelves they have taken clitoris’s worldwide by storm. An incredible sensation that can ensure mind-blowing orgasms of this type of clit stimulation is your thing. But also during play, try using it on nipples too for added fun.
Always a handbag essential! Bullet vibes can come in various sizes or shapes, even disguised as a lipstick. Discreet and easy to use they vibrate on whatever part of the body you want to focus that pinpoint pleasure on. From the outside of the vulva to behind the balls. Why not pair with oral play? Or run all over your body to find where your pleasure points are and show your partner.
A different type of anal toy to butt plugs, usually graduated beads inserted slowly, going deeper. Remember only toys with a flared base for anal play - nothing ends the fun like the panic of your bum gobbling it up completely.
Usually curved shaped silicone with a handle. Can be used to run up and down the shaft of a penis, on testicles, on nipples, labia, outside the vulva and on the perineum.
Power play with restraints can be so much fun. Being tied up and allowing someone to take control and play with your body heightening all your senses and removing your sense of touch - with your hands at least. Likewise using the other senses or depriving them in sex can be super exhilarating. So Divines restraints can double as a blindfold for extra fun.
Top tips:
always use lube - toy play is made more comfortable and easier to experience with a good lubricant for all genitals and always for anal. Water based for silicone toys…
conset is a must! - Ensure consent always. Is it freely given, informed and enthusiastic? Make sure every play activity is clearly consented to and remember consent is reversible at any time. You can say stop or no even if you originally wanted to and changed your mind.
don’t yuk someone else’s yum - just as we all have a different favourite food, our sexual tastes are also different. There may be things you want to play, you’re not sure of or that are definitely not for you. This is ok. Respect yours and each other’s boundaries.
